Reconnecting the Family: A Need for Sensible Visitation Schedules for Children of Divorce
30 Pages Posted: 16 Jan 2016
Date Written: 2001
Abstract
Marriages often turn out to be anything but a bed of roses, but divorce should not, and does not, obliterate the family connection. Where children are involved, the fact that one or both spouses would prefer to pretend there is no longer a connection between the children and the noncustodial parent has little to do with reality. Barring conditions warranting a termination of a parent's visitation rights, the children and the noncustodial parent are still as biologically connected as during the marriage, but are just living in different places. It is the fact that we allow ourselves to accept the physical separation as proof of a corresponding emotional separation that begets that exact result: it is a classic case of predetermination.
This article does not promote strengthening of the noncustodial parent's role in the children's lives at the expense of the role of the custodial parent, usually the mother; rather, it purports to show the advantages of equalizing the roles of both parents. It is undisputed that mothers, frequently the custodial parent, do have a special bond with their children. We are accustomed to hearing about a woman's "biological clock," not only in terms of physical ability to bear children, but also in terms of her psychological yearning to do so. And while part of the reason we do not think of men in the same light is because of their physical inability to have children, the fact is that men infrequently evince the same psychological longings, either through conditioning or simply prioritizing life differently. Later, in the consequences of a divorce, this different outlook is frequently interpreted by the courts to mean a different kind of role for the divorced father than for the mother, to the detriment of all.
This article will use a model of the custodial mother and noncustodial father, as this scenario is not only common, but precipitates and exemplifies much of the problems addressed here. Part II of this article attempts to dissect the reasons for society's and the court's acceptance and even promotion of the minimization of the divorced father's role in his children's life. Part III addresses the negative results of such societal expectations, including the resultant reluctance of many fathers to abide by support and visitation schedules and the effect on the children, the physical and psychological effects of such a different role on the children, and even the mother's unexpected detrimental challenges because of it. Part IV advocates the need for change within the family and the courts, and Parts V and VI propose a new standard for visitation between noncustodial parents and their children.
Keywords: marriage, divorce, noncustodial parent, foster care, class, working class, mother, father, children, physical separation, family law, family court, custodial parent, equalizing roles, visitation rights, emotional separation, reconnect, custody
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